The Ways God Speaks

I’ve been stressed out about the grades I made on my finals, and what I’d end up with in my classes. All week I’ve just been sitting and refreshing the grade thingy in my school’s system. All my grades were in by this morning, except for one–the one class I thought I might have possibly failed.

It’s really unsettling to feel like maybe you failed a class because of your final. I mean! I had a comfortable B rolling into that test, but when I left, I just knew I had bombed it. I’ve carried that feeling with me for over a week now. It was eating away at me.

And then today, when I was sitting in my room, reading a book and drinking coffee, God sent me a little message. There was a bird, sitting on my window. And I don’t mean a ledge outside my window. The bird was on the tiny ledge between the two panes of glass that make up a window. It was literally pressing itself into the glass to sit there. And maybe this wouldn’t be wild if that was the only place to sit, but there’s a tree right outside my window. So close it scratches the glass during storms, and if I open the window, some of the branch reaches into my room.

And for some reason, I just felt calm. Like God sent that little bird to press itself against the window to reassure me, “Hey, I know you’re really worried about this, but you don’t need to be. I’ve got this, and even if you fail, it’s not the end of the world. I still love you kid.” I just knew.

I knew this because birds are a big thing in my life. One of my best friends calls me little bird. When I moved back to Georgia, she gave me a string of lights with little wire birds on them and told me to Shine bright, little bird. Birds have become a comfort item to me. My next journal has a bird on the cover.

I love God. I do. I love Him for so many reasons, for saving me, for loving me despite the fact that I am a certified dumpster fire, for forgiving me over and over. I love Him because He pursued me even when I ran away, I love Him for showing me what He is capable of, and what I am capable of when I trust Him and let Him work through me. But mostly, I love Him because He speaks to me in a way that He knows I will understand. When I was stressed this week, He didn’t make a verse of scripture pop into my head. He didn’t send a text or a person this way that would say just the right words. He sent me my bird, pressing itself into me and into my life, to let me know that He’s here, pressing into me and pressing into my life.

Adventures and Exhaustion and Writing

I’m not a writer. Perhaps you’ve noticed that, if you read my posts regularly. I don’t do this well, or often enough to get better. I graduated high school and that was about it for me and creative writing. I started this blog because I always felt like, when I was writing in my journal, that I should really be writing to an audience. I think that was God whispering something to me, and it took me about two and a half years to act on it. Late, as always.

Anyways, I’m writing today because I think I should write more often, and NaNoWriMo gives me (kind of) an excuse to do it. You’re supposed to write a book. I hate rules, so I’m just gonna try to write a blog post a day. Today’s actually hasn’t started yet, but I’ll get there. I just had to do some housekeeping (if only I actually did that and my room wasn’t trash right now). Explain that I’m doing this to get better. Explain why I started my blog. Who knows. Now on to the main event.

Y’all, I’m tired. Exhausted. I have had at least two tests a week for the pasts two or three weeks, and this week, and next week, and I work, and every day I die a little inside. It’s whatever. I’m just struggle-busin to stay awake in class. To stay awake at home and talk to my family. Wednesdays feel like Fridays and Thursdays and Fridays just feel excessive. But it’s fine. Hopefully I’ll graduate college with a job lined up, hopefully I’ll be able to get scholarships, hopefully I’ll be able to live a normal life.

And in all of this exhaustion, I’m struggling to “fit God in”. But really that’s just not how it works. We don’t simply “fit Him in”, we live life with Him. How awesome is that. For so long, and even now in this busy time, I believed that I needed a certain amount of uninterrupted time with God. And yeah, I probably do need that. But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about walking and living with Him all the time. About doing homework but doing it with God.

Does that make sense? Probably not. But the same way I can text my best friend like eighty million times a day (this is not an exaggeration), I can reach out to God the same way. I can talk to Him and do other things without them being an interruption. Instead, I’m just doing them with Him. Life is an adventure, and I need to live this adventure with God instead of trying to put Him in a cute little corner.

I’d love to write more about this, but the building I’m sitting in is shaking and I think I need to go. See ya tomorrow, sweet friend.