I’ve been struggling lately. This might seem small, or it might seem bigger than it is, but I might have to transfer colleges. And honestly, it’s taken me about two and a half weeks to become completely content with whatever happens.
The bigger problem though, and the problem I only realized I had actually been struggling with last night, is that I’ve let my heart grow bitter against God. Yep. That’s right. I let myself start to be utterly disappointed in the purest love I will ever know. That’s not really good, and it’s warped a lot of my perception about the thought of transferring. It’s left me with a lot of self-pity, and a lot of unnecessary anger.
I was mad. I couldn’t figure out why God had led me to what I feel is my absolute dream school, led me to a place where I feel comfortable, let me put down roots and dare I say grow and flourish, only to potentially lead me back home just a year later. It didn’t seem fair. I couldn’t understand what I had done and why He felt I deserved this. Because, in my anger, I thought God gave us what we deserved, completely forgetting that He has given me the sweetest gift of all: forgiveness and the chance for a relationship with Him.
I realized my awful mistake last night when I was reading my Bible. Genesis 37 tells the story of how Joseph was almost killed by his brothers, and then instead sold into slavery by them. That’s much worse than transferring to a different college. But Joseph, unlike me, didn’t get mad. He trusted the Lord. He was faithful where he was. In the bottom of a pit, he still believed that God was on his side and would help him through. He wasn’t mad at God for letting him be sold into slavery.
That was a convicting thing to read. My heart was full of sin, and I didn’t even realize it. Along with letting myself get bitter, I stopped being faithful where I was and with what I was given. I let myself be consumed by what I wanted, not by what I was so gracefully allowed to have. I started to realize that if I was truly following God’s plan for me, I wouldn’t be angry about what was happening. Sad, maybe. I mean, my dream school might be taken away. I can’t be angry though, because even if I have to leave coming to LSU was absolutely what God intended for me to do. Being here has grown my relationship with my Father more than I had ever imagined. I knew I wanted to start going to church, but I never imagined being so invested and not just going to church, but being part of a church. I always wanted to be the girl that read her Bible every day, and not only in the confines of her room but out in the quad or the Union where everyone could see me, but I never thought I would get there. I always wanted to talk about my faith with other people, but I never thought I would actually do it because I believed a number of lies of talking about faith. But in the course of a semester and a half, I have become all of those things, things that I will carry with me no matter where I go, even if where I go is back home.
God wants me to be faithful where I am so He can use me for His plan. It’s taken two and a half weeks, and I’m not all the way there, but I’m on my way.